I may have been presumptuous in celebrating my victory over my own selfish impulses.
Usurpation has been successful thusfar.
I feel ashamed, and yet...relieved. Like an addict, I suppose.
Oh well. I have picked a poor time to do so.
Thirty-six hours until silence claims this iteration.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Uncertain Path
I may not have thought my current course of action through. Or, rather, I believe I have miscalculated just how important continual Usurpation is.
The more iterations I go without Usurping, the harder it will, in the future, be, until it reaches that point where Usurpation is fundamentally impossible. Granted, it is easier to Usurp in some iterations rather than others, but the point still stands--by not Usurping here, I am hindering my ability to do so in later iterations.
Maybe I should. Perhaps the afterlife is a separate thing from what we think of as reality. Perhaps I am doing them a favor by Usurping them.
But those are empty words, I fear. My true reasons for Usurpation remain the same: the desire for self-delusion. To be able to believe that I am, in fact, in the company of my own family. That they are not strangers, they are my beloved.
It is a lie. A lie that rings increasingly hollow with every new iteration.
And yet, still, it is not without its comfort.
I must think on this further. After all, I have nothing if not time.
At least, until I don't.
The more iterations I go without Usurping, the harder it will, in the future, be, until it reaches that point where Usurpation is fundamentally impossible. Granted, it is easier to Usurp in some iterations rather than others, but the point still stands--by not Usurping here, I am hindering my ability to do so in later iterations.
Maybe I should. Perhaps the afterlife is a separate thing from what we think of as reality. Perhaps I am doing them a favor by Usurping them.
But those are empty words, I fear. My true reasons for Usurpation remain the same: the desire for self-delusion. To be able to believe that I am, in fact, in the company of my own family. That they are not strangers, they are my beloved.
It is a lie. A lie that rings increasingly hollow with every new iteration.
And yet, still, it is not without its comfort.
I must think on this further. After all, I have nothing if not time.
At least, until I don't.
Friday, October 28, 2011
A Breakthrough Of Sorts
Today was, in some respects, a victory, and in other respects a defeat.
This was the first iteration in which I have not attempted a usurpation in some time.
On one, very valid hand, this represents a key point in which I have not succumbed to my usual melancholy and done something extremely rash and pointless.
On the other, equally valid hand, this shows that I have given up. I have accepted the facts for what they are, and have not violently denied another what I so crave in order to grant myself scants weeks, days, or perhaps even hours of comfort from a doom that I know recognize I can never truly avoid.
Which I suspect is exactly the point. Young Master Vinton would not have it any other way, I would presume.
I shall endeavor to see what can be made of this place regardless, however. While I will not give into previous temptations, I will try to make what time I have here as fruitful as possible.
Before this place, too, falls into silence.
This was the first iteration in which I have not attempted a usurpation in some time.
On one, very valid hand, this represents a key point in which I have not succumbed to my usual melancholy and done something extremely rash and pointless.
On the other, equally valid hand, this shows that I have given up. I have accepted the facts for what they are, and have not violently denied another what I so crave in order to grant myself scants weeks, days, or perhaps even hours of comfort from a doom that I know recognize I can never truly avoid.
Which I suspect is exactly the point. Young Master Vinton would not have it any other way, I would presume.
I shall endeavor to see what can be made of this place regardless, however. While I will not give into previous temptations, I will try to make what time I have here as fruitful as possible.
Before this place, too, falls into silence.
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