I'm So Lonely

I am sitting here with my children's blood on my hands and I'm wondering why.

Why do I keep doing this?  What am I accomplishing with this course of action?  Why will he not just let this end?  I wish this would end.  I wish I would not be spared.  I would give anything for oblivion.

I cannot keep doing this...but I cannot end it.  For some reason, I put the gun down.  I do not swallow the poison.  I do not press down with the knife.

What is stopping me?  Why do I continue this endless cycle of death?  Of mercy killing and coveting a life I can never return to?

Why must I be so lonely?